Friday, April 29, 2011

Doubting Thomas

To say that our minds have been intensely preoccupied with our referral is an understatement!  We only have 2 weeks to review the medical files and let our agency know what we have decided, and I stress out when I have a deadline.

You'd think it would be easy- we've checked off the special needs that we would be willing to accept, so what is there to consider, right?  However, the Chinese medical records leave ALOT to be desired, and so often the information is contradicting, or just not included. It's hard to get a reliable medical opinion when the records are missing so many key elements to making an accurate diagnosis.

Most days, I would accept any challenge because it ultimately comes down to these two beliefs: each child is a gift from God and made perfect just the way they are, and each child deserves a family.  And I would just smile and begain making plans to bring another little one home.

However, some days doubt creeps in, and I don't know if I have the abilities and the energy to take on another challenge.  I worry about whether her needs will demand the lions share of my time and how that will reduce the amount of time I have for the other kids; how much the additional medical expenses will affect our already stretched budget; what if her condition is more serious than indicated and she is unable to be mobile someday? And all this worrying leads to sleepless nights. I know what God wants me to do and what  I SHOULD do, but can I do it, and do I really want to? Wouldn't it just be easier to take a much needed vacation and pamper myself, instead of trying to take on the world's troubles?  (Who hasn't thought that when confronted with a difficult situation?)

Then I remember that sometimes the path less traveled presents us with landscapes that are different, but none the less, beautiful.  I remember how I've been carried through the tougher times in my life, and it's always turned out okay.  Sometimes better than okay.  I remember all of the little miracles that have led  us to this point and I feel reassured that we are on the right path.  I think of all I have to be grateful for, and I know that it's my place to reach out and 'tend to the widows and the orphans'.

So bear with me, while I go through some human fears and doubts, working my way back to the trail that I'm destined to be on, led by faith, and knowing that "I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me."

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